A certain Elvis Depressley once sang, “I bear more grudges than lonely high court judges.” Oh, is that all? Because DF is the Guinness-book world-record grudge-holding ninja master of all time, and lonely high court judges aren’t fit to hold his grudge-holding jock. As it were.
Point being, DF’s a bitter soul and cultivates a lush garden of resentments relating to events that go back time out of mind. Some choice examples by way of illustration:
Third grade. A mean classmate repeatedly teased DF with the devastating schoolyard taunt, “Fatty fatty two-by-four.” When the classic retorts “I know you are but what am I” and “Please for the love of god stop teasing me, it hurts my heart” proved ineffective, I turned to voodoo, poking pins into an effigy of my psychic assailant. And it worked! Three months later, the bully suffered a mild head cold and had to stay home from school for two days. Don’t mess with DF, small children, or he will kick your ass using the power of voodoo!
High school, sophomore year. An equally mean, and substantially more violent, bully repeatedly inflicted swirlies, wedgies, and locker-stuffings on DF. Not to be trifled with, I attended a football game where the bully was playing quarterback for the high school pigskin squadron and booed lustily whenever he touched the ball. The result? The hated bully completed only 34 of his 36 passes! Those two misses were clearly due to DF’s diabolical psychological revenge, served up delectably ice cold.
Adulthood, circa 2003. DF’s boss, some brylcreemed fratboy a-hole, called me in to deliver the appalling news that I was being fired for some trumped up charges called “total and utter incompetence” and “stealing company supplies for resale to Madagascar.” In my substantial ensuing spare time, I concocted a delicious revenge scheme. I placed a bag of dog feces on my hated boss’s front step and lit it on fire. Then I put the fire out by stamping all over the bag. Voila—when my boss comes out, he’ll find an ashy bag of dog crap on his front porch! Oh, turnabout is wickedly fair play. True, I had to throw out my dogshit-covered shoes after that shenanigan, but it was fully worth it.
Yes, if there’s one thing DF loves more than anything else, it’s grudges, and holding them. And if there’s another thing DF loves more than anything else, it’s roller derby. Hence what greater grudge can there be than the one regarding supremacy of the Losanjealous roller derby world? Now, the Sirens would likely argue that they’re supreme, having won the LADD championship twice, and being defending 2011 champs and all. But the Tough Cookies would retort that they’ve earned the most plaudits over time, with three total championships in the past four years alone.
Who’s right about who’s best? Well, ladies and germophobes, there’s only one way to settle that: Grudge match! And fortunately we have just such a match this weekend, as the Sirens will bout the Tough Cookies this Saturday, May 19. The mid-season is nearly upon us, and the bout will be pivotal as well as grudge-y: a win and the Sirens (1-0) earn a stranglehold on the league lead, while a loss for the Cookies (0-1) puts them in the cellar and at serious risk of missing out on a spot in the Champs Bout for a second year running. Tix still available here. Be there, y’all, or DF will hold it against you forever.
